Studio Diary: Drummer Abuse – An Official Appeal

This is an urgent appeal, on behalf of drummers everywhere.

Every year around the globe, thousands of drummers are taken from their families and into captivity, where they are locked inside facilities called “rehearsal rooms” – Often for months on end – and terrorised with the dreaded “new material”. Sometimes the “new material” contains torturous time-signatures, punishing tempos and song-structures that are so ludicrous – it requires a masters degree in quantum physics to fully comprehend.

When the captors are satisfied with the drummers understanding of the “new material”; drummers are dragged away, kicking and screaming and herded into facilities called “Recording Studios”.  At the “Studio” they are then subjected to days, or sometimes weeks or even months of intense, concentrated abuse and neglect.  Forced to sit silently behind their kit for many hours on end to record drum parts for the “new material”.

This process involves repetitively playing the same parts over and over again, until their captors are satisfied with the rhythms that have been committed to the studios digital hard-drive (or tape in older facilities). For a drummer, this practice is nothing short of physical and mental/psychological torture!

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Above: Here we see two members of the drummer-abuse ring who identify themselves as “Kinasis” and a “Producer” called Justin Hill hard at work in the “Control Room” – abusing their drumming captive via “talk-back”. Note the self-satisfied smugness of the middle figure (Tom S). The person in the foreground (Marcus) also seems to be making light of the drummers terrible situation.

 

Alongside constant verbal abuse from their captors, and the physical and mental stresses from repetitively playing the same thing;  There are additional personnel at these facilities called “Producers” and “Engineers” who torment the drummers further with phrases like “Let’s take that again from the top”, “I liked what you played then. But…”, “This time, do it again – but better!”,  “Instead of doing X in this part – can you do Y instead!”, or the classic “I didn’t like that part. I’m just not feeling it. Can you try something else?”.

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Above: An “Engineer” (Adie) and a “Producer” (Justin) are busy placing microphones around a captive drummer – these are used to capture the sounds produced by the kit. They also produce an electromagnetic field designed to suppress the drummer, making them more docile and obedient. Also note the various barriers and curtains around the room – designed to confuse the drummer and block-off potential escape routes. The cables trailing on the floor from the microphones present an additional trip-hazard – designed to entangle and/or trip an escapee drummer.

After recording is complete, drummers are often locked in vans and subjected to further abuse, known as “Touring” – where they are transported to various locations and violently coerced to perform on-stage with their captors in front of sadistic, bloodthirsty, paying audiences.

Next time you are listening to your favourite album or even at a live gig – please spare a thought for the all of inhuman treatment and suffering that those poor battery batterista’s have had to endure at the hands of “real musicians”.  If you see a musician abusing a drummer, don’t turn a blind eye. It is imperative that you act immediately. Liberate the drummer from their abusers using all means at your disposal and help to return/release them back into the wild, where they belong.

After prolonged captivity – drummers are can be severely traumatised. Here are some do’s and don’ts.
Do:
Soothe a traumatised drummer with:
– Compliments on their drumming
– Hydrate them with a nice beer or ale (not lager), or farmhouse cider. Shots of spirits can also be used.
– Feed them a snack or a meal – perhaps a pasty, or some cheese, or a bar of Fruit and Nut.

If they are restless you can settle them by:
– Giving them a nice book to read – the more technical or intellectual, the better.
– Giving them something broken, to fix.

Contrary to many peoples beliefs – drummers are extremely intelligent and are keen readers. They rarely break things, but they do have a knack for fixing things.   But be warned – their fixes often involve copious amounts of gaffer tape or WD40. So don’t give them anything too valuable to fix – unless you want it completely covered in gaffer tape or dripping with WD40!

Don’ts:
– Never allow a drummer to return to their abusers.  Sometimes an abused drummer may show signs of Stockholm Syndrome and attempt to return to their captors.
Never, EVER – under any circumstances take a drummer home with you. Drummers do not belong in a domestic setting. You don’t want one living with you! They make terrible pets/boyfriends/husbands.
– Never give a drummer drugs – drugs are bad mmmkay! Also they present a serious choke hazard. After taking drugs, drummers often choke on vomit and die. Most of the time it cannot be proved whose vomit it was, because the Police can’t dust for vomit can they?!

For a donation of just £2 a month, you can adopt a drummer and we can end cruelty to drummers forever.
XD

Ha ha – OK, enough twattish wibbling.

Here’s the real news:
Last week, we spent two days (Wednesday and Thursday) having an absolute blast at Panic Studios in London – tracking the drums for our new e.p. with producer Justin Hill (ex-SikTh).

This week, we will be ‘kin arsing about with Justin in a studio in Reading, to track the rest of the e.p.

Today, it’s the turn of the plank-spankers to do their thing.  Then sometime around midweek a terrible thing happens – Bass! Finally, the end of the week will be for vocals and synths/effects.  Then it’s mix O’clock!

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Studio Update: It’s Officially a Blue Alert Situation!

OK, so we’ve put the festive season well behind us and have entered a new year….  Which can mean only one thing….. Our impending trip to record our new EP with Justin Hill is now mere days away. Next Wednesday (18th Jan) we start recording drums. The following Monday, we will be spending the week tracking everything else.

Bearing this in mind: “Aaaaaagh! Aaaaaah! Panic!” is the current theme at Kinasis HQ. We are officially at Blue Alert. I repeat – Blue Alert! We would have upgraded the situation to Red Alert, but it means changing the bulb….

Before we go any further – I know we’re a little late to the party, but HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Yes, 2016 may have been a complete and utter bastard for taking so many of our childhood heroes and heroines.  And yes there was all of the crap with the wests decaying relations with Russia over Syria. And the ignorance and madness on both sides of the pond surrounding Brexit here in the UK and the scary, orange, mop-haired muppet that got elected into The White House in the US in the Douche vs Turd Sandwich presidential race…. {Ooooh, careful… Politics! } 🙂

But all of that negative stuff aside, it was a great year for Kinasis.   We made a lot of new friends, got new management and had more gig bookings in 2016 than any previous year – a record we intend to smash in 2017!

Our highlights included (but were not limited to): our slots at Mammothfest and Frankfest and a tour with our Xerosun family!

Huge thanks to anybody who has worked with us, or supported us in any way in the last year. Even bigger thanks to anybody who has been with us for the long haul. We look forward to doing it all over again this year!

Next: Apologies.
Due to an ongoing bout of illness I, your humble, drumming narrator have been out of the picture for a good few weeks. So I have a lot of catching up to do, both online and IRL.  Especially WRT things like rehearsing the new material and posting updates. So, sorry for the lack of updates here and elsewhere on the web!

In the meantime, the rest of the band have been frantically working on the pre-production demo of the fourth, final new track for the EP.  Which has been sent to Justin.  Now we’re stocking up on all of the supplies we’ll need to survive our studio jaunt. Everything from strings, sticks and skins – To shovels, sheets of plastic and… bags.. of.. lime? – Wait….What are those for? ! {shrug} – Anyway, all of the usual essentials a growing band needs when going into a studio to record music and argue over what constitutes a wild or domestic animal for the intro to Excaliber!

Our lovely manager Rachael is already busily booking some live-dates for us, ready for when we finally emerge from the studio.  We should be announcing our first live date of 2017 very soon and many, many more will follow!

We really cannot wait to be able unleash the songs on the new EP.  We hope you will enjoy the new material as much as we do.  With any luck, it’ll be released before Tool finally get around to releasing their new album! Heh heh.   Either way, you certainly shouldn’t have to wait as long as you did for our debut album.   We stinky pwomise with vomit on top! 🙂

What? I told you I was ill didn’t I?!

Right, I’m off to rehearse the new material.  Until next time – ciao for now, me ol’ muckers!