Studio Diary: Drummer Abuse – An Official Appeal

This is an urgent appeal, on behalf of drummers everywhere.

Every year around the globe, thousands of drummers are taken from their families and into captivity, where they are locked inside facilities called “rehearsal rooms” – Often for months on end – and terrorised with the dreaded “new material”. Sometimes the “new material” contains torturous time-signatures, punishing tempos and song-structures that are so ludicrous – it requires a masters degree in quantum physics to fully comprehend.

When the captors are satisfied with the drummers understanding of the “new material”; drummers are dragged away, kicking and screaming and herded into facilities called “Recording Studios”.  At the “Studio” they are then subjected to days, or sometimes weeks or even months of intense, concentrated abuse and neglect.  Forced to sit silently behind their kit for many hours on end to record drum parts for the “new material”.

This process involves repetitively playing the same parts over and over again, until their captors are satisfied with the rhythms that have been committed to the studios digital hard-drive (or tape in older facilities). For a drummer, this practice is nothing short of physical and mental/psychological torture!

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Above: Here we see two members of the drummer-abuse ring who identify themselves as “Kinasis” and a “Producer” called Justin Hill hard at work in the “Control Room” – abusing their drumming captive via “talk-back”. Note the self-satisfied smugness of the middle figure (Tom S). The person in the foreground (Marcus) also seems to be making light of the drummers terrible situation.

 

Alongside constant verbal abuse from their captors, and the physical and mental stresses from repetitively playing the same thing;  There are additional personnel at these facilities called “Producers” and “Engineers” who torment the drummers further with phrases like “Let’s take that again from the top”, “I liked what you played then. But…”, “This time, do it again – but better!”,  “Instead of doing X in this part – can you do Y instead!”, or the classic “I didn’t like that part. I’m just not feeling it. Can you try something else?”.

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Above: An “Engineer” (Adie) and a “Producer” (Justin) are busy placing microphones around a captive drummer – these are used to capture the sounds produced by the kit. They also produce an electromagnetic field designed to suppress the drummer, making them more docile and obedient. Also note the various barriers and curtains around the room – designed to confuse the drummer and block-off potential escape routes. The cables trailing on the floor from the microphones present an additional trip-hazard – designed to entangle and/or trip an escapee drummer.

After recording is complete, drummers are often locked in vans and subjected to further abuse, known as “Touring” – where they are transported to various locations and violently coerced to perform on-stage with their captors in front of sadistic, bloodthirsty, paying audiences.

Next time you are listening to your favourite album or even at a live gig – please spare a thought for the all of inhuman treatment and suffering that those poor battery batterista’s have had to endure at the hands of “real musicians”.  If you see a musician abusing a drummer, don’t turn a blind eye. It is imperative that you act immediately. Liberate the drummer from their abusers using all means at your disposal and help to return/release them back into the wild, where they belong.

After prolonged captivity – drummers are can be severely traumatised. Here are some do’s and don’ts.
Do:
Soothe a traumatised drummer with:
– Compliments on their drumming
– Hydrate them with a nice beer or ale (not lager), or farmhouse cider. Shots of spirits can also be used.
– Feed them a snack or a meal – perhaps a pasty, or some cheese, or a bar of Fruit and Nut.

If they are restless you can settle them by:
– Giving them a nice book to read – the more technical or intellectual, the better.
– Giving them something broken, to fix.

Contrary to many peoples beliefs – drummers are extremely intelligent and are keen readers. They rarely break things, but they do have a knack for fixing things.   But be warned – their fixes often involve copious amounts of gaffer tape or WD40. So don’t give them anything too valuable to fix – unless you want it completely covered in gaffer tape or dripping with WD40!

Don’ts:
– Never allow a drummer to return to their abusers.  Sometimes an abused drummer may show signs of Stockholm Syndrome and attempt to return to their captors.
Never, EVER – under any circumstances take a drummer home with you. Drummers do not belong in a domestic setting. You don’t want one living with you! They make terrible pets/boyfriends/husbands.
– Never give a drummer drugs – drugs are bad mmmkay! Also they present a serious choke hazard. After taking drugs, drummers often choke on vomit and die. Most of the time it cannot be proved whose vomit it was, because the Police can’t dust for vomit can they?!

For a donation of just £2 a month, you can adopt a drummer and we can end cruelty to drummers forever.
XD

Ha ha – OK, enough twattish wibbling.

Here’s the real news:
Last week, we spent two days (Wednesday and Thursday) having an absolute blast at Panic Studios in London – tracking the drums for our new e.p. with producer Justin Hill (ex-SikTh).

This week, we will be ‘kin arsing about with Justin in a studio in Reading, to track the rest of the e.p.

Today, it’s the turn of the plank-spankers to do their thing.  Then sometime around midweek a terrible thing happens – Bass! Finally, the end of the week will be for vocals and synths/effects.  Then it’s mix O’clock!

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